Abuja love and marriage

The first time I truly experienced life in Nigeria’s Federal Capital Territory, Abuja, was nearly two decades ago. I had just graduated and been posted to the city for the mandatory one-year National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. It was my first time living away from the familiar embrace and protection of my parents—it felt surreal.

Fortunately, I had an uncle who was then a senior-ranking police officer. He graciously hosted me in his expansive home located in the prestigious Wuse 2 district—a posh area teeming with powerful and influential personalities.

Almost immediately, I began noticing patterns that puzzled my then-innocent mind. A striking observation was the number of married men living in the city without their wives and children. This was quite the contrast to my childhood experiences in Benin City, Edo State, where family units were tightly knit, and households usually consisted of both parents and children.

Another disturbing trend was the way many of these married men pursued young women—particularly those new to the city, vulnerable, or without stable housing. It seemed some of these men actively sought out young ladies far from their families, capitalising on their loneliness and accommodation struggles. therein lies the crux of what I now call Abuja love and marriage.

As I continued living in the city, I began to see emerging patterns in romantic relationships that were, at best, unsettling.

The first of these was the prevalence of extramarital affairs involving married men who offered young women financial stability or comfortable apartments. In exchange, these women played wifely roles—cooking, cleaning, even bearing children—all without the knowledge of the men’s legal spouses. Over time, the phenomenon wasn’t limited to men; some married women posted to Abuja by government ministries or agencies also engaged in similar double lives. Thus, the term “Abuja marriage” was born.

Another variant of this unconventional union involved single men and women moving in together due to accommodation challenges. These cohabitations frequently resulted in unplanned pregnancies and childbirths, often without the awareness or approval of either partner’s family.

Then there’s what I call the “Strategic Love Trap.” This involves struggling young men who deliberately target successful, independent women. Once they identify a woman with a good job, a lovely flat, perhaps even a car, they swiftly launch into love-bombing. Their goal? A place to stay, free meals, access to a car, regular sex, and ultimately, her money. Many women fell victim to this ruse, especially during their more naive or desperate moments.

These men are not interested in hard work. Their daily grind consists of gym sessions to perfect their six-pack abs, dressing well, using expensive cologne, and mastering charming lines. They frequent upscale locations—lounges, malls, gyms—where affluent women or daughters of the elite are likely to be. Within 24 hours of meeting a well-off woman, some propose marriage. It’s all a con—many ladies have suffered from falling into this glittery trap.

Perhaps the most dangerous variation of Abuja love involves young single men who seek out married women—especially those in unhappy unions with wealthy but emotionally absent husbands. This category is explosive. When a married woman crosses the line into infidelity, still living within her matrimonial home, the consequences can be catastrophic. Sometimes, it leads to violence, and in extreme cases, even death. Unlike men, who often compartmentalise their affairs, women tend to invest emotionally, which makes the situation more volatile. This is not to excuse any infidelity, but rather to underline the emotional complexities that make this particular dynamic especially risky.

Despite all the madness, a few genuine, beautiful love stories do exist in Abuja—relationships rooted in respect, love, and mutual growth. they are rare gems in a city where appearances can be deceiving.

So, if you’re new in Abuja—perhaps freshly posted for NYSC or relocating for work—stay alert. The city is beautiful, yes, but beneath its smooth roads and glistening structures lies a complex web of human relationships. Be mindful in your dealings, especially with the opposite sex. Love in the capital can be as alluring as it is dangerous. Be guided.

You feel me?

Sharoneez Emephia